open post; alan wake

[twains]

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[twains]

You want to look in a mirror and say that again?

[So dry it's almost the Sahara.]

I knew it wasn't going to be enough to get rid of you, but after everything you've done, you deserve it.

[youbutfun]

You know what I meant. And I do look into a mirror pretty often. Someone out there has to make sure this looks good.

[And it sure isn't Alan, actually he'll say that part out loud.]

And hate to break it to you, but it's not you.

[twains]

[He is not feeding into Scratch's narcissism more than he already has.]

So that's why you're here? To be petty?

[Alan rolls his eyes, fingers idly playing with the switch in his hand.]

Sounds like I'm not the one running out of ideas.

[youbutfun]

Does that sound like something I'd do?

[Yes, yes it does.

And while he asks that, the darkness starts to creep across the wall towards that switch, like Alan's got some real structural issues here...or he's picked out a house from Resident Evil 7.]

I can do so much better than petty.

[twains]

[Do not even want to think about Taken Molded, thanks.]

It is exactly something you would do.

[His thumb turns a dial on the switch, making more lights turn on. Not with enough intensity to make it seem like he's trying to blast Scratch back to Hell, but certainly bright enough to force the Darkness back.]

[youbutfun]

Can't wait to see your electric bill.

[There's more annoyance here than amusement, especially as the darkness recoils, not blasted away, but just kind of retreating and held in check by the light.]

Careful though, crank things up too much and you might blow a fuse, would hate for that to happen.

[From somewhere in the apartment, there's the sound of glass shattering. Some of those lightbulbs broken by darkness elsewhere.]

At the least you sound like you've got a real mess to clean up, but good thing you bought in bulk, right?

[twains]

[Alan doesn't react to the sound of shattering glass, outwardly anyway. Internally he's frustrated, because it's only going to get worse and he can only do so much. He just needs to make Scratch get to the point, because he's expecting this to go as it usually does. Scratch shows up, says his threatening spiel, leaves again to torment Alan later.]

I get it, you've been watching us. I hope that wasn't meant to be a surprise twist.

[It's only natural that Scratch has been spying on them since he's apparently back, the only question is for how long.]

So why don't you go back to doing that and let me clean this up.

[youbutfun]

Wow, not making a big deal of it. Good on you. Almost sounds okay with you letting me watch. At least, compared to me being here anyways.

[From somewhere the sound of darkness roiling can be heard. The floor below? Outside? Close but not inside, at least not yet. But it's probably not a good thing if it's elsewhere either.]

But why bother cleaning up now, we both know I'm just going to make a bigger mess.

[twains]

I'm just not interested in giving you the reaction you want.

[Therapy! Fuck yeah!

But his stomach rolls as he hears that sound in the distance - he knows exactly what it is, and it can't be anything good. Not now, not ever.]

Then how about you clean up after yourself for a change.

[youbutfun]

Oh I get it. You're the neat freak and I'm the lovable but completely messy roommate. Pretty wild sitcom pitch, don't you think? The Odd Couple, but it's like looking into a mirror!

[Scratch seems enamored with the idea, taking a few steps towards the closet, bringing the darkness with him, his hand reaching out to open it before he stops and gives Alan a skeptical look.]

Except I'm guessing once I open this, you've got some sort of light rigged in there to try and fry me, right? Not really my idea of getting along or playing house, but some people are into some weird stuff behind closed doors.

[twains]

I haven't written for TV in years, and sitcoms weren't really my thing.

[God, you should know this, Scratch. Alan watches him move intently, almost as if he's waiting for him to open the closet.]

Open it and find out.

[It really is just a normal closet, though. Not *everything* is rigged to hurt Scratch, just... a lot of things.]

[youbutfun]

Game show then? Let's see what's behind door number one!

[And he'll open the door with a look of disappointment on his face when it is just normal.]

No, don't think that one would've worked either. Gotta say this is a pretty weak consolation prize. Where's the new car, the all expenses paid vacation, or maybe that's behind...door number 2?

[Another door rattles like there's something behind it, something heavy pushing against the door. More darkness wanting to spill into the rest of the building.]

[twains]

[Then it's a good thing that when Scratch turns around again, there's a flaregun pointed at his face. While he'd been busy with his gameshow spiel, Alan had retrieved it from where it had been tucked into his waistband.

It's... probably not the only one on his person, if we're being honest. Where is he keeping the flares? Don't... Don't ask.

Instead of the incredibly obvious one-liner that's so stupid I'm mad Alan wouldn't say it, he just shoots Scratch in the face with the flaregun.]

[youbutfun]

[apparently that was a flaregun in his pants and he was not happy to see scratch

There’s a bright flash as the flare goes off and...hopefully doesn’t start a fire somewhere. More importantly Scratch recoils with a hiss. It’s not gonna get rid of him, but man does that suck. His suit’s all singed and you know what, he really didn’t like that. Nope.]

Not that I’m complaining, but how bout a little warning before you unload in a guy’s face?

[If Alan’s not going to make shitty jokes, then someone has to. Still he's wincing a little. It's not the one-hit kill it is with Taken, but man did that suck.]

[twains]

[After that joke, Alan is desperately wishing flareguns could hold more than one round at a time. He briefly debates reloading it and firing again, but he knows Scratch wouldn't let him get away with it.]

Did you ever ask?

[Beat.]

Don't answer that. Pretty sure I know the answer already.

[Unfortunately. And he doesn't want to hear any of the lurid details Scratch is likely to add.]

[youbutfun]

Hey, you might get to find out. What time's Alice getting back again?

[Because he just has to be an asshole.]

Or if you'd rather, you can always take one for the team.

[He just has to be.]

[twains]

[Alan grimaces, and then grimaces even harder when Scratch propositions him.]

Not interested.

[Not yet, anyway. Sorry Alan, you're powerless against the narrative when you're not the one typing it.]

You're not my type.

[youbutfun]

Hey, you're not my type either. Doesn't mean I wouldn't.

[To the surprise of no one.]

[twains]

Doesn't seem like there's much you wouldn't in the first place.

[Which, if you're gonna have his face... have some standards pls.]

[youbutfun]

There's not. You should try it, live a little.

[What are standards]

[twains]

You're the last person I'm going to be taking life advice from.

[You're not even a real person!!]

[youbutfun]

Oh wow, I'm hurt. Really.

[Said while...maybe feeling some discomfort from that flare gun still, so it's not entirely a lie?]

And it's not like I take rejection well either.

[twains]

[Alan backs up a step because that is definitely a threat.]

Seems like something you should work on, then.

[WOULDN'T KNOW, ALL HIS SHIT GETS PUBLISHED.]

[youbutfun]

Hey, would you look at that? Got a reaction from you, so I think I'm doing just fine.

[Couple steps forward here because he just has to be all up in Alan's business all the time apparently.

And he could get published too! Probably! Write some books under Alan's name, how hard could it be?]

[twains]

[This would be where Alan pulls out a flare and shoves it into Scratch's face... if he'd been able to grab more than just the already empty flaregun.

Turns out when he doesn't have three different jackets on, he can't keep a lot of ammo on him.]

Not wanting to be near you isn't much of a reaction.